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1922
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1 Boy do I have a treat for you guys!
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2 If this works you can send thanks to emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu for
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3 bringing it to you, though I did not transcribe it.
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4
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5 "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
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6 -- the strictly unofficial script of the movie,
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7 done in a fit of boredom by =AHH 01Jan87=
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8
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9 The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
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10 KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
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11 PATSY : Terry Gilliam
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12 GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
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13 GUARD #2 : John Cleese
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14 MORTICIAN : Eric Idle
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15 CUSTOMER : John Cleese
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16 DEAD PERSON : ???
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17 DENNIS : Michael Palin
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18 WOMAN : Terry Jones
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19 BLACK KNIGHT : Michael Palin?
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20 VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
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21 VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
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22 SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
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23 WITCH : ???
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24 VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
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25 NARRATOR: Michael Palin
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26 SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese
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27 SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
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28 SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
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29 GOD : ???
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30 FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
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31 MINSTREL : ???
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32 LEFT HEAD :
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33 MIDDLE HEAD :
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34 RIGHT HEAD :
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35 Graham Chapman
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36 Terry Jones
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37 Michael Palin
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38 OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
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39 HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
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40 FATHER : Michael Palin
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41 PRINCE HERBERT : Graham Chapman?
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42 GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
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43 GUARD #2 : ???
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44 CONCORDE : Eric Idle
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45 OLD CRONE : ???
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46 ROGER THE SHRUBBER : Eric Idle
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47 TIM THE ENCHANTER: John Cleese
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48 BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle
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49 SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin
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50
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51 Scene 1
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52
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53 [wind]
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54 [clop clop]
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55 ARTHUR: Whoa there!
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56 [clop clop]
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57
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58 GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
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59 ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
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60 of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
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61 of all England!
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62 GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
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63 ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.
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64 We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
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65 who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord
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66 and master.
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67 GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
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68 ARTHUR: Yes!
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69 GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
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70 ARTHUR: What?
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71 GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and your bangin'
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72 'em together.
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73 ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
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74 land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
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75 GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
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76 ARTHUR: We found them.
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77 GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
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78 ARTHUR: What do you mean?
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79 GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
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80 ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
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81 or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
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82 strangers to our land.
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83 GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
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84 ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
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85 GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
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86 ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
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87 GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple
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88 question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
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89 coconut.
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90 ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
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91 that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
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92 GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
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93 needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
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94 ARTHUR: Please!
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95 GUARD #1: Am I right?
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96 ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
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97 GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
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98 GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
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99 swallow, that's my point.
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100 GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
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101 ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
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102 at Camelot?!
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103 GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
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104 GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
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105 GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
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106 [clop clop]
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107 GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
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108 GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
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109 GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
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110 GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
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111 GUARD #2: Well, why not?
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112
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113 Scene 2
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114
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115 MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
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116 [clang]
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117 Bring out your dead!
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118 [clang]
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119 Bring out your dead!
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120 [clang]
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121 Bring out your dead!
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122 [clang]
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123 Bring out your dead!
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124 [clang]
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125 Bring out your dead!
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126 [clang]
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127 Bring out your dead!
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128 [clang]
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129 Bring out your dead!
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130 [clang]
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131 Bring out your dead!
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132 [clang]
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133 Bring out your dead!
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134 [clang]
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135 Bring out your dead!
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136 [clang]
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137 Bring out your dead!
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138 CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
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139 DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
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140 MORTICIAN: What?
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141 CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
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142 DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
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143 MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
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144 CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
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145 DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
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146 MORTICIAN: He isn't.
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147 CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
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148 DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
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149 CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
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150 MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
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151 DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
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152 CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
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153 MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
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154 DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
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155 CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
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156 MORTICIAN: I can't.
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157 CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
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158 be long.
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159 MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
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160 today.
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161 CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
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162 MORTICIAN: Thursday.
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163 DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
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164 CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
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165 something you can do?
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166 DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
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167 [whop]
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168 CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
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169 MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
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170 CUSTOMER: Right.
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171 [clop clop]
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172 MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
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173 CUSTOMER: I don't know.
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174 MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
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175 CUSTOMER: Why?
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176 MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
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177
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178 Scene 3
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179
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180 [clop clop]
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181 ARTHUR: Old woman!
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182 DENNIS: Man!
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183 ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
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184 DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
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185 ARTHUR: What?
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186 DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
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187 ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
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188 DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
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189 ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis.
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190 DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
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191 ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
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192 you looked--
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193 DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
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194 ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
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195 DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
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196 exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
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197 which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
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198 If there's ever going to be any progress--
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199 WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how'd you do?
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200 ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
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201 Who's castle is that?
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202 WOMAN: King of the who?
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203 ARTHUR: The Britons.
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204 WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
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205 ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
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206 WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
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207 collective.
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208 DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
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209 A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
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210 WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
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211 DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
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212 ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
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213 in that castle?
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214 WOMAN: No one live there.
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215 ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
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216 WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
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217 ARTHUR: What?
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218 DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarchosyndicalist commune. We take
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219 it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
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220 ARTHUR: Yes.
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221 DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
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222 at a special biweekly meeting.
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223 ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
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224 DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
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225 ARTHUR: Be quiet!
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226 DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
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227 ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
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228 WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
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229 ARTHUR: I am your king!
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230 WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
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231 ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
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232 WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
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233 ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
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234 [angels sing]
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235 her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
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236 from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
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237 Arthur was to carry Excalibur.
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238 [singing stops]
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239 That is why I am your king!
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240 DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
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241 is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives
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242 from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
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243 ARTHUR: Be quiet!
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244 DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
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245 just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
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246 ARTHUR: Shut up!
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247 DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
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248 because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
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249 ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
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250 DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
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251 ARTHUR: Shut up!
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252 DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
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253 HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
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254 ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
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255 DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
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256 eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw
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257 it didn't you?
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258
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259 Scene 4
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260
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261 [arg] [ugh] [hah]
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262
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263 ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
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264 I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
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265
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266 I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
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267 in my courted camelot.
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268
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269 You have proved yourself worthy will you join me?
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270
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271 You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
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272 BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
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273 ARTHUR: What?
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274 BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
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275 ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
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276 cross this bridge.
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277 BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
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278 ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
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279 BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
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280 ARTHUR: So be it!
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281 [hah]
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282 [parry thrust]
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283 [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
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284 ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
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285 BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
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286 ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
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287 BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
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288 ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
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289 BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
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290 ARTHUR: You liar!
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291 BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
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292 [hah]
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293 [parry thrust]
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294 [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
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295 ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
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296 [kneeling]
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297 We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
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298 [hah]
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299 BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
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300 ARTHUR: What?
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301 BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
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302 ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
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303 BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
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304 ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
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305 BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
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306 ARTHUR: Look!
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307 BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
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308 [bang]
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309 ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
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310 BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
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311 ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
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312 [whop]
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313 BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
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314 ARTHUR: You'll what?
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315 BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
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316 ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
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317 BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
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318 ARTHUR: You're a loony.
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319 BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
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320 Have at you! Come on then.
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321 [whop]
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322 [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
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323 BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
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324 ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
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325 BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
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326 bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
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327 your legs off!
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328
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329 Scene 5
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330
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331 CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
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332 VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
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333 CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
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334 BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch?
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335 VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
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336 BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
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337 WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
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338 BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
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339 WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
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340 CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
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341 WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
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342 BEDEMIR: Well?
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343 VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
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344 BEDEMIR: The nose?
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345 VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
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346 CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
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347 BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
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348 CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
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349 VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
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350 BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
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351 VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
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352 BEDEMIR: A newt?
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353 VILLAGER #3: I got better.
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354 VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
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355 CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
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356 BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
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357 she is a witch.
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358 CROWD: Are there? What are they?
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359 BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
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360 VILLAGER #2: Burn!
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361 CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
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362 BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
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363 VILLAGER #1: More witches!
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364 VILLAGER #2: Wood!
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365 BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
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366
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367 VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
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368 BEDEMIR: Good!
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369 CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
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370 BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
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371 VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
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372 BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
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373 VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
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374 BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
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375 VILLAGER #1: No, no.
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376 VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
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377 VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
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378 CROWD: The pond!
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379 BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
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380 VILLAGER #1: Bread!
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381 VILLAGER #2: Apples!
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382 VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
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383 VILLAGER #1: Cider!
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384 VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
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385 VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
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386 VILLAGER #2: Mud!
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387 VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
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388 VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
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389 ARTHUR: A duck.
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390 CROWD: Oooh.
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391 BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
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392 VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
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393 BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
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394 VILLAGER #1: A witch!
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395 CROWD: A witch!
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396 BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales!
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397 [yelling]
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398 BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports!
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399 [whop]
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400 [creak]
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401 CROWD: A witch! A witch!
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402 WITCH: This is a fair cop.
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403 CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]
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404 BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
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405 ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
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406 BEDEMIR: My liege!
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407 ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
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408 and join us at the Round Table?
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409 BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored.
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410 ARTHUR: What is your name?
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411 BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige.
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412 ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
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413
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414 [Narrative Interlude]
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415
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416 NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
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417 knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
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418 Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
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419 Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
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420 of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
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421 and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and
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422 the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
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423 a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
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424 the Knights of the Round Table.
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425
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426 Scene 6
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427
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428 BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
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429 ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how
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430 sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
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431 BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.
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432 LANCELOT: Look, my liege!
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433 ARTHUR: Camelot!
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434 GALAHAD: Camelot!
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435 LANCELOT: Camelot!
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436 PATSY: It's only a model.
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437 ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
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438 ride... to... Camelot.
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439
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440 [singing]
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441 We're knights of the round table
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442 We dance when e'er we're able
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443 We do routines and parlour scenes
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444 With footwork impecc-Able.
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445
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446 We dine well here in Camelot
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447 We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
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448
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449 [dancing]
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450
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451 We're knights of the Round Table
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452 Our shows are for-mid-able
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453 Oh many times we're given rhymes
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454 That are quite unsing-able
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455 We not so fat in Camelot
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456 We sing from the diaphragm a lot
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457
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458 [tap-dancing]
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459
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460 Oh we're tough and able
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461 Quite indefatigable
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462 Between our quests we [something]
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463 And impersonate Clark Gable
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464 It's a bit too loud in Camelot
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465 I have to push the pram a lot.
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466
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467 ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
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468 a silly place.
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469 Right.
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470
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471 Scene 7
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472
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473 GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
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474 there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
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475 ARTHUR: Sorry--
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476 GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
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477 "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you
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478 doing now!?
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479 ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
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480 GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so
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481 depressing. Now knock it off!
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482 ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
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483 GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the
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484 Round
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485 Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
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486 ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
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487 GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
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488 Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail.
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489 That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail.
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490 ARTHUR: A blessing!
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491 LANCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
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492 GALAHAD: God be praised!
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493
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494 Scene 8
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495
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496 [clop clop]
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497 ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
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498 GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
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499 ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
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500 Table. Who's castle is this?
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501 GUARD: This is the castle of mumble mumble
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502 ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
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503 with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night
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504 he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
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505 GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
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506 Uh, he's already got one, you see?
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507 ARTHUR: What?
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508 GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
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509 ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
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510 GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-uh (I told him we already got one)
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511 ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
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512 GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-uh!
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513 ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
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514 GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
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515 silly king!
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516 GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
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517 GUARD: Mind your own business!
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518 ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
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519 by force!
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520 GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
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521 bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called
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522 Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
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523 GALAHAD: What a strange person.
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524 ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
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525 GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
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526 food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was
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527 a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
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528 ???: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
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529 GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh!
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530 ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
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531 GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush.)
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532 wha?
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533 GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush!)
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534 [moo]
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535 ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
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536 [twong]
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537 [mooooooo]
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538 Jesus Christ!
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539 Right! Charge!
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540 ALL: Charge!
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541 [mayhem]
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542 GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
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543 [twong]
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544 ALL: Run away!
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545 GUARD: Thpppt!
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546 LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
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547 ARTHUR: No no, no.
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548 BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
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549
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550 [later]
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551
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552 [chop]
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553 [rumble rumble squeak]
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554 ce labon a bunny do
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555 wha?
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556 un codoo?
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557 a present!
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558 oh, un codoo.
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559 oui oui hurry!
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560 wha-?
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561 let's go!
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562 [rumble rumble squeak]
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563
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564 ARTHUR: What happens now?
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565 BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Lancelet, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
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566 and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only
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567 by surprise, but totally unarmed!
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568 ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
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569 BEDEMIR: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
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570 and uh....
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571 ARTHUR: Oh....
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572 BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
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573 [twong]
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574 ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
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575 [splat]
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576 FRENCH: Oh, haw haw haw.
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577
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578 Scene 9
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579
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580 Pictures for Schools, take 8.
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581 DIRECTOR: Action!
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582
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583 NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
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584 King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
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585 by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required
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586 if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
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587 conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that
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588 they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this
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589 is what they did--
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590 [tromp tromp]
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591 [slash]
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592 WOMAN: Greg!
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593
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594 Scene 10
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595
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|
596 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin....
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|
597 So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north,
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598 through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
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599
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600 MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
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601 He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
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|
602 He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
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603 Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
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604
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605 He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
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606 into a pulp,
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607 Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
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608 To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
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|
609 And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
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610
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|
611 His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
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|
612 And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
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613 And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
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|
614 And his penis--
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|
615 ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
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|
616 Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
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|
617 DENNIS: Anarchosyndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
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|
618 WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
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|
619 ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
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|
620 MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
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|
621 ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
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|
622 through.
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|
623 ALL HEADS: What do you want?
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|
624 MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
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|
|
625 ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
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|
626 to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
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|
|
627 ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
|
|
|
628 ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
|
|
|
629 ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
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|
|
630 ROBIN: I am.
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|
631 TJ:In that case I shall have to kill you.
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|
632 GC:Shall I?
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633 MP:Oh, I don't think so.
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|
634 GC:Well, what do I think?
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|
635 TJ:I think kill him.
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636 MP:Well let's be nice to him.
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|
637 GC:Oh shut up.
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|
638 TJ:Perhaps-
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639 GC:And you.
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|
640 TJ:Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
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|
641 MP:Oh, cut your own head off!
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642 GC:Yes, do us all a favor!
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|
643 TJ:What?
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|
644 MP:Yapping on all the time.
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|
645 GC:You're lucky, you're not next to him.
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|
646 TJ:What do you mean?
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647 GC:You snore.
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|
648 TJ:Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
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|
649 GC:Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
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|
650 MP:Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
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651 TJ:All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea
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|
652 and biscuits.
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653 GC:Yes.
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654 MP:Oh, but not biscuits.
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655 TJ:All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
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656 ALL HEADS: Right!
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657 TJ:He buggered off.
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|
658 MP:So he has, he scarpered.
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|
659
|
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|
660 MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
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|
661 ROBIN: No!
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|
662 MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
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|
663 ROBIN: I didn't!
|
|
|
664 MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
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|
|
665 He bravely turned his tail and fled
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|
666 ROBIN: No!
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|
667 MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
|
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|
668 ROBIN: I didn't!
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|
669 MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
|
|
|
670 Bravely taking to his feet
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|
671 ROBIN: I never did!
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|
672 MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
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|
673 ROBIN: Oh, lie!
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|
674 MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
|
|
|
675 ROBIN: I never!
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|
676
|
|
|
677 Scene 11
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|
678 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
|
|
|
679
|
|
|
680 [boom crash]
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|
|
681 [angels singing]
|
|
|
682
|
|
|
683 [pound pound pound]
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|
|
684 GALAHAD: Open the door!
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|
685 Open the door!
|
|
|
686 [pound pound pound]
|
|
|
687 In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
|
|
|
688 [squeak thump]
|
|
|
689 [squeak boom]
|
|
|
690 ALL: Hello!
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|
691 ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
|
|
|
692 GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
|
|
|
693 ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are
|
|
|
694 nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
|
|
|
695 GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
|
|
|
696 ZOOT: The what?
|
|
|
697 GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
|
|
|
698 ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
|
|
|
699 Crepper!
|
|
|
700 MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
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|
|
701 ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
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|
|
702 MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
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|
703 ZOOT: Away away vilatesses[?]! The beds here are warm and soft -- and
|
|
|
704 very, very big.
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|
705 GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
|
|
|
706 ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
|
|
|
707 GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
|
|
|
708 ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
|
|
|
709 GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
|
|
|
710 ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
|
|
|
711 GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
|
|
|
712 ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
|
|
|
713 hospitality.
|
|
|
714 GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
|
|
|
715 ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
|
|
|
716 to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
|
|
|
717 sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
|
|
|
718 protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
|
|
|
719 making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.
|
|
|
720 Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
|
|
|
721 GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
|
|
|
722 ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
|
|
|
723 lie down. [clap clap]
|
|
|
724 PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
|
|
|
725 GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
|
|
|
726 ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
|
|
|
727 GALAHAD: B-but--
|
|
|
728 ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
|
|
|
729 Winston, practice your art.
|
|
|
730 PIGLET: Try to relax.
|
|
|
731 GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
|
|
|
732 PIGLET: We must examine you.
|
|
|
733 GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
|
|
|
734 PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
|
|
|
735 GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
|
|
|
736 PIGLET: Back to your bed!
|
|
|
737 GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
|
|
|
738 PIGLET: There's no grail here.
|
|
|
739 GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
|
|
|
740 GIRLS: Hello.
|
|
|
741 GALAHAD: Oh--
|
|
|
742 VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello.
|
|
|
743 Hello.
|
|
|
744 Hello.
|
|
|
745 Hello.
|
|
|
746 Hello.
|
|
|
747 Hello.
|
|
|
748 Hello.
|
|
|
749 Hello.
|
|
|
750 Hello.
|
|
|
751 Hello.
|
|
|
752 Hello.
|
|
|
753 Hello.
|
|
|
754 GALAHAD: Zoot!
|
|
|
755 DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
|
|
|
756 GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
|
|
|
757 DINGO: Where are you going?
|
|
|
758 GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
|
|
|
759 DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
|
|
|
760 GALAHAD: What is it?
|
|
|
761 DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight
|
|
|
762 to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
|
|
|
763 first time we've had this problem.
|
|
|
764 GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
|
|
|
765 DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
|
|
|
766 person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
|
|
|
767 have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
|
|
|
768 must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
|
|
|
769 GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
|
|
|
770 DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
|
|
|
771 may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
|
|
|
772 VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
|
|
|
773 And me.
|
|
|
774 And me.
|
|
|
775 DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
|
|
|
776 GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
|
|
|
777 DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
|
|
|
778 GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
|
|
|
779 GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
|
|
|
780 LANCELOT: Sir Galahad!
|
|
|
781 GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
|
|
|
782 LANCELOT: Quick!
|
|
|
783 GALAHAD: What?
|
|
|
784 LANCELOT: Quick!
|
|
|
785 GALAHAD: Why?
|
|
|
786 LANCELOT: You're in great peril!
|
|
|
787 GALAHAD:
|
|
|
788 ZOOT:
|
|
|
789 LANCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
|
|
|
790 GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
|
|
|
791 LANCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
|
|
|
792 GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
|
|
|
793 LANCELOT: Come on!
|
|
|
794 GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
|
|
|
795 DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
|
|
|
796 GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
|
|
|
797 LANCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
|
|
|
798 GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
|
|
|
799 DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
|
|
|
800 GIRLS: Yes, yes!
|
|
|
801 GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty
|
|
|
802 of them!
|
|
|
803 DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
|
|
|
804 GIRLS: Yes, yes.
|
|
|
805 [boom]
|
|
|
806 DINGO: Oh, shit.
|
|
|
807 [outside]
|
|
|
808 LANCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
|
|
|
809 GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
|
|
|
810 LANCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
|
|
|
811 GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
|
|
|
812 LANCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
|
|
|
813 GALAHAD: Look, my particular knight sob as much peril as I can.
|
|
|
814 LANCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
|
|
|
815 GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
|
|
|
816 LANCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
|
|
|
817 GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
|
|
|
818 LANCELOT: No, I'm not.
|
|
|
819
|
|
|
820 Narrative Interlude
|
|
|
821
|
|
|
822 NARRATOR: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
|
|
|
823 temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King
|
|
|
824 Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had
|
|
|
825 discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously.
|
|
|
826 I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four,
|
|
|
827 really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds
|
|
|
828 were walking and dragging--
|
|
|
829 CROWD: Get on with it!
|
|
|
830 NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
|
|
|
831 scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
|
|
|
832 in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
|
|
|
833 starling -oolp!
|
|
|
834
|
|
|
835 Scene 12
|
|
|
836
|
|
|
837 OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
|
|
|
838 ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
|
|
|
839 OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!
|
|
|
840 ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
|
|
|
841 OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
|
|
|
842 ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
|
|
|
843 OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
|
|
|
844 of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
|
|
|
845 ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
|
|
|
846 OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
|
|
|
847 ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
|
|
|
848 OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!
|
|
|
849
|
|
|
850 Scene 13
|
|
|
851
|
|
|
852 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee!
|
|
|
853 Nee!
|
|
|
854 Nee!
|
|
|
855 Nee!
|
|
|
856 ARTHUR: Who are you?
|
|
|
857 HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
|
|
|
858 ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
|
|
|
859 HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
|
|
|
860 BEDEMIR: Who are they?
|
|
|
861 HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and
|
|
|
862 Nee-wom!
|
|
|
863 RANDOM: Nee-wom!
|
|
|
864 ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
|
|
|
865 HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
|
|
|
866 ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
|
|
|
867 enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
|
|
|
868 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
|
|
|
869 ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
|
|
|
870 HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
|
|
|
871 ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
|
|
|
872 HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
|
|
|
873 [chord]
|
|
|
874 ARTHUR: A what?
|
|
|
875 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
|
|
|
876 ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
|
|
|
877 ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
|
|
|
878 HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
|
|
|
879 never pass through this wood alive!
|
|
|
880 ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
|
|
|
881 with a shrubbery.
|
|
|
882 HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
|
|
|
883 ARTHUR: Of course.
|
|
|
884 HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
|
|
|
885 ARTHUR: Yes.
|
|
|
886 HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!
|
|
|
887
|
|
|
888 Scene 14
|
|
|
889
|
|
|
890 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Lancelot.
|
|
|
891
|
|
|
892 FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
|
|
|
893 HERBERT: What, the curtains?
|
|
|
894 FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched
|
|
|
895 out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!
|
|
|
896 HERBERT: But, Mother!
|
|
|
897 FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
|
|
|
898 HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
|
|
|
899 FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When
|
|
|
900 I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was daft
|
|
|
901 to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show
|
|
|
902 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the
|
|
|
903 swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank
|
|
|
904 into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna
|
|
|
905 get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.
|
|
|
906 HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
|
|
|
907 FATHER: Rather what?!
|
|
|
908 HERBERT: I'd rather... just...
|
|
|
909 [music]
|
|
|
910 ...sing!
|
|
|
911 FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
|
|
|
912 I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
|
|
|
913 a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
|
|
|
914 HERBERT: But I don't want land.
|
|
|
915 FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
|
|
|
916 HERBERT: Herbert.
|
|
|
917 FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
|
|
|
918 can get.
|
|
|
919 HERBERT: But I don't like her.
|
|
|
920 FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
|
|
|
921 she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
|
|
|
922 HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
|
|
|
923 a certain... special...
|
|
|
924 [music]
|
|
|
925 ...something...
|
|
|
926 FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess
|
|
|
927 Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure
|
|
|
928 the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
|
|
|
929 GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
|
|
|
930 GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
|
931 FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
|
|
|
932 GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
|
|
|
933 FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
|
|
|
934 leave.
|
|
|
935 GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
|
|
|
936 GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
|
937 FATHER: Right.
|
|
|
938 GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
|
|
|
939 entering the room.
|
|
|
940 FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
|
|
|
941 GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
|
|
|
942 FATHER: All right?
|
|
|
943 GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
|
|
|
944 FATHER: Yes, what is it?
|
|
|
945 GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
|
|
|
946 FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
|
|
|
947 GUARD #1: Uh...
|
|
|
948 FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
|
|
|
949 All right?
|
|
|
950 GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
|
951 FATHER: Right.
|
|
|
952 GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
|
|
|
953 FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
|
|
|
954 GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
|
|
|
955 to leave and we were--
|
|
|
956 FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
|
|
|
957 GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
|
|
|
958 FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
|
|
|
959 GUARD #1: Just you.
|
|
|
960 GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
|
961 FATHER: Get back.
|
|
|
962 GUARD #1: Get back.
|
|
|
963 FATHER: Right?
|
|
|
964 GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
|
|
|
965 FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
|
|
|
966 GUARD #1: What?
|
|
|
967 FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
|
|
|
968 GUARD #1: The Prince?
|
|
|
969 FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
|
|
|
970 GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it
|
|
|
971 seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
|
|
|
972 FATHER: Is that clear?
|
|
|
973 GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
|
974 GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
|
|
|
975 FATHER: Right.
|
|
|
976 [starts to leave]
|
|
|
977 Where are you going?
|
|
|
978 GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
|
|
|
979 FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
|
|
|
980 GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
|
|
|
981 HERBERT: But, Father!
|
|
|
982 FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
|
|
|
983 GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
|
984 FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.
|
|
|
985
|
|
|
986 Scene 15
|
|
|
987
|
|
|
988 LANCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
|
|
|
989 CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
|
|
|
990 LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big
|
|
|
991 one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
|
|
|
992 [thwonk]
|
|
|
993 CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
|
|
|
994 [fwump]
|
|
|
995 LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this
|
|
|
996 note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against
|
|
|
997 my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall
|
|
|
998 tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could
|
|
|
999 be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You
|
|
|
1000 shall not have died in vain!
|
|
|
1001 CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
|
|
|
1002 LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
|
|
|
1003 CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
|
|
|
1004 LANCELOT: Oh, I see.
|
|
|
1005 CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
|
|
|
1006 LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as
|
|
|
1007 soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
|
|
|
1008 particular... (sigh)
|
|
|
1009 CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
|
|
|
1010 LANCELOT: Idiom!
|
|
|
1011 CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
|
|
|
1012 LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
|
|
|
1013 CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
|
|
|
1014
|
|
|
1015 Scene 16
|
|
|
1016
|
|
|
1017 LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
|
|
|
1018 GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
|
|
|
1019 LANCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot
|
|
|
1020 of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
|
|
|
1021 HERBERT: You got my note!
|
|
|
1022 LANCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.
|
|
|
1023 HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
|
|
|
1024 LANCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see--
|
|
|
1025 HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
|
|
|
1026 there must be...
|
|
|
1027 [music]
|
|
|
1028 ...someone...
|
|
|
1029 FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
|
|
|
1030 HERBERT: I'm your son!
|
|
|
1031 FATHER: No, not you.
|
|
|
1032 LANCELOT: I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
|
|
|
1033 HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.
|
|
|
1034 LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
|
|
|
1035 FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
|
|
|
1036 LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
|
|
|
1037 FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
|
|
|
1038 LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
|
|
|
1039 HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready!
|
|
|
1040 FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
|
|
|
1041 LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
|
|
|
1042 FATHER: I can understand that.
|
|
|
1043 HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry!
|
|
|
1044 FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
|
|
|
1045 LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
|
|
|
1046 FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
|
|
|
1047 LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
|
|
|
1048 FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost
|
|
|
1049 me a fortune!
|
|
|
1050 LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north
|
|
|
1051 from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
|
|
|
1052 FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
|
|
|
1053 HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
|
|
|
1054 LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
|
|
|
1055 FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country....
|
|
|
1056 LANCELOT: Yes.
|
|
|
1057 HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
|
|
|
1058 FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
|
|
|
1059 LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
|
|
|
1060 HERBERT: I am ready!
|
|
|
1061 [start to leave]
|
|
|
1062 LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding.
|
|
|
1063 [thonk]
|
|
|
1064 HERBERT: Oooh!
|
|
|
1065 LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
|
|
|
1066 uh, sort of carried away.
|
|
|
1067 FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
|
|
|
1068 HERBERT: Oooh!
|
|
|
1069 [splat]
|
|
|
1070
|
|
|
1071 Scene 17
|
|
|
1072 [wailing]
|
|
|
1073 FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this
|
|
|
1074 knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
|
|
|
1075 RANDOM: There he is!
|
|
|
1076 FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
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1077 LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
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1078 FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
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1079 LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away.
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1080 I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
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1081 RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
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1082 [yelling]
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1083 FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the
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1084 gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
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1085 guest here today.
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1086 LANCELOT: Hello.
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1087 RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
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1088 [yelling]
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1089 FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
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1090 Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to
|
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1091 witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
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1092 wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
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1093 to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
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1094 a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
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1095 RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
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|
1096 FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
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|
1097 RANDOM: He's getting better!
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|
|
1098 FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
|
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1099 recover, suddenly felt the icy hand fo death upon him,--
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|
1100 [ugh]
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|
1101 RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
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|
1102 FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
|
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|
1103 dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
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1104 [clapping]
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1105 And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess
|
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|
1106 and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot--
|
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|
1107 LANCELOT: What?
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|
1108 RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
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|
1109 CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
|
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|
1110 HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
|
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1111 FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
|
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1112 HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
|
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1113 FATHER: How?!
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1114 HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you...
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|
1115 [music]
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1116 FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
|
|
|
1117 SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
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1118 FATHER: Shut up!
|
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|
1119 SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
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|
1120 He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
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|
1121 He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
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|
1122 He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
|
|
|
1123 CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
|
|
|
1124 LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh)
|
|
|
1125 CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
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|
1126 LANCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha!
|
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|
1127 [crash]
|
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|
1128 Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
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1129
|
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|
1130 Scene 18
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1131
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|
1132 [clop clop]
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|
1133 ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
|
|
|
1134 a shrubbery!
|
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|
1135 [chord]
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|
1136 CRONE: Who sent you?
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|
1137 ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
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|
1138 CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
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|
1139 ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
|
|
|
1140 and I will say... we will say... 'nee'.
|
|
|
1141 CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
|
|
|
1142 ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
|
|
|
1143 CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
|
|
|
1144 ARTHUR: Nee!
|
|
|
1145 BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
|
|
|
1146 ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
|
|
|
1147 BEDEMIR: Noo!
|
|
|
1148 ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
|
|
|
1149 BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
|
|
|
1150 ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
|
|
|
1151 ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!
|
|
|
1152 ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
|
|
|
1153 ARTHUR: Um, yes.
|
|
|
1154 ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'nee'
|
|
|
1155 at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is
|
|
|
1156 sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
|
|
|
1157 considerable economic stress at this period in history.
|
|
|
1158 ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
|
|
|
1159 ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name
|
|
|
1160 is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
|
|
|
1161 BEDEMIR: Nee!
|
|
|
1162 ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
|
|
|
1163
|
|
|
1164 Scene 19
|
|
|
1165
|
|
|
1166 ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we
|
|
|
1167 go now?
|
|
|
1168 HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
|
|
|
1169 But there is one small problem.
|
|
|
1170 ARTHUR: What is that?
|
|
|
1171 HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
|
|
|
1172 RANDOM: Nee!
|
|
|
1173 HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
|
|
|
1174 ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
|
|
|
1175 RANDOM: Nee!
|
|
|
1176 HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
|
|
|
1177 ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
|
|
|
1178 Said Nee?
|
|
|
1179 HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
|
|
|
1180 [chord]
|
|
|
1181 ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
|
|
|
1182 HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
|
|
|
1183 it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
|
|
|
1184 two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
|
|
|
1185 RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
|
|
|
1186 HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
|
|
|
1187 down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
|
|
|
1188 [chord]
|
|
|
1189 ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
|
|
|
1190 HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
|
|
|
1191 ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
|
|
|
1192 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
|
|
|
1193 HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
|
|
|
1194 ARTHUR: What word?
|
|
|
1195 HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
|
|
|
1196 the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
|
|
|
1197 ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
|
|
|
1198 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
|
|
|
1199 ARTHUR: What, 'is'?
|
|
|
1200 HEAD KNIGHT: No, not "is" -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
|
|
|
1201
|
|
|
1202 Ooops I'm out of time. i'll send the rest tomorrow.
|
|
|
1203
|
|
|
1204 Eric
|
